National Herd of Guinness Drinkers To Be Culled

The Minister announced the plans after flying home from the United Arab Emirates, the country holding the COP28 Climate Summit, which is one of the world’s largest producers of oil and is planning on ramping up its own production of fossil fuels soon too.

The Minster flew first class home and will be making a return trip this week – again first class – before continuing the Climate Summit in one of the world’s largest producers of oil who have since been found to be using the climate event itself to broker oil and gas deals.

Guinness Gases

Ryan has announced plans to cull the Guinness herd by 50%. It is hoped that by doing so, the level of methane and overall flatulence will fall. Irish Guinness drinkers currently account for 93% of the global amount of methane in the atmosphere.

Minster Ryan claims that the cull is needed to hit our 2030 emissions targets and to ensure that all forms of enjoyment and fun are completely eradicated from Irish life – a core pillar of the Green Party’s mandate.

Minster Ryan claims the plans are not only needed by cost-effective:

“Reducing the national Guinness herd is needed and will be cheap to implement. I plan on cycling pub to pub in Ireland and shooting half the Guinness Drinkers onsite. We can then use their fat bodies to make organic soap, something I’ve been dreaming about doing since I was a young boy.”

 

Drinkers React

Although not all Guinness drinkers are on board, with one local man from Kenmare saying:

“If Eamon Ryan steps foot inside this pub, I’ll shove a head of broccoli so far up his arse he’ll be sprouting it out his fucking nose.”

 

Getting agreement across the industry could prove difficult for the Minister.

New Technology

Others are calling on more support from the government for Guinness drinkers to help them reduce their emissions. Many publicans would like to see investment in retrofitting stools in their pubs with carbon and methane capture capabilities.

They say this ‘fart capture’ technology is there and that the gases captured from just one night of Guinness drinking could power a small town of 5000 people for up to 6 months.

When asked about investment in such ‘fart capture’ technology, the Minister for Environment was unavailable for comment, as he was flying back, first class, to the COP28 Climate Summit, being held in the UAE, one of the largest producers of fossil fuels, who are planning on increasing their oil and gas output shortly.