15 Apr 8 Tips To Beating Stress Brought On By Idiots You Work With
Workplace stress. One of those statutory requirements of employment. Out of the 200 or so working days in Ireland, the average worker is entitled to at least 97 insanely stressful days – however, it’s up to the discretion of the employer whether they are to have more.
However, it’s not the actual place that’s stressful – the walls, the floor and the windows don’t really piss you off on a daily basis, if anything, they’ve always been there for you. #SoundLads
It’s the idiots you work with. It’s the moronic fuckheads you have to interact with on a daily basis that cause everything from a quick bathroom cry to a brain aneurysm. :/
But, we’re not hear to complain – we’re hear to develop some key strategies and coping mechanisms you can implement right away to help make dealing with those idiots at work a breeze! (Or at least somewhat bearable…)
Okay, I know I said we’re not here to complain, but fuck that. Now, I’m not talking about complaining to people in a managerial position who might be able to do something about the stressful situation (often, they can be the biggest idiots), I’m just talking about bitching with your work mates about how you all hate the same thing!
Human beings are wired to function in tribes. To bond over a common issue and we’re solidified by coming together when we all have a common enemy!
Let the work idiots be your tribal adversaries and form a tightly knit group of work FRIENDS. Let the bitching bring you guys together, closer than ever before.
So, you’ve been taking the work idiots home with you in your mind and bringing them to bed with you. You’ve been sleeping with the person you hate. All because you haven’t trained your mind yet!
Visualization has been hugely popular in best selling piles of pop psychology tripe like The Secret – but, it can have it’s uses.
Try this little tip out. Imagine you’ve won the euromillions. Next imagine buying the company that you work for. Visual in your mind bringing the idiot(s) in for a meeting.
Then sack them.
Clearly hear inside your head everything you’d say to them – “I’m sorry X, but you’re an overpaid and under-qualified idiot. Nobody knows how you got the job or how you have kept it so long. Oh, and nobody likes you. You smell funny and no one has forgotten what happened at that Xmas party. Get your things and get the fuck out.”
Even though none of this is real, for a split second you get to experience a beautiful, blissful happiness.
A fantasy of how things could be…
Another secret to dealing with workplace idiots, is to act. Start to see your office as a theatre – not a lavish West End theatre, but like, a theatre a school nativity play would be held in – and begin acting as if you like the idiots, agree with them and respect them!
Not only is this a great way to repress anger issues, it’s also an amazing way to develop your skill set in another area and it may even set you up for a lucrative career move! (Unless the repressed anger kills you via stroke first.)
A really fun, social and creative way to forget about the pain the mind numbing idiots have caused you.
This one can also be done right at your desk. Let’s say you’ve just had a run in with a workplace idiot, who has said/done something really stupid. (Standard day).
Maybe they’ve pitched one of the dumbest marketing ideas ever, maybe they’re taking credit for your work (again), or taking their ass kissing up a notch.
Just try HeadSmash. Sit at your desk and smash your own face into the desk. Repeatidly. Until the physical pain overpowers any sort of psychological upset you were feeling.
The noise and blood will also cause others to get involved and they’ll call you an ambulance. You get to ride in a Ne Naw Ne Naw and get the afternoon off work.
If a visit to A&E isn’t your thing, try something a little less extreme. Just sit at your desk with your earphones in. It’s a clever signal for others not to talk to you.
Don’t plug them in though. Have the chord hanging down by your chair. You’ll look extra crazy when people see you sitting there, listening to nothing. :O
It’s a sure fire way to repel idiots from talking to you.
6: Musical Therapy
So, you’re forced to sit down and have a meeting with one or more of the idiots you work with. You can feel the tension in your chest, blood pressure is rising and you’re feeling the anxiety spread.
Solution? Easy – try some musical therapy!
Next time your forced to look at the work idiot’s face, or talk to them, nod along politely, but inside your head, just play this song…
or my fav…
Let Enya wash over your as you stand and pretend to listen to that person in work you despise.
7: Lunch Dates!
Go on lunch dates. By yourself. At your desk.
I know your desk can be a large source of stress, but those workplace idiots often hang around the canteen at lunch.
Last thing you need is to get stuck alone with them, having to pretend that you don’t want to punch them in the fanny or balls.
And you’ve everything you need at your desk. Watch a movie, go shopping, listen to some music. Anything you want in peace, avoiding all those idiots you work with!
8: Opposite Land!!
My personal favorite way to deal with the stress caused by workplace idiots.
So, what’s Opposite Land and how can you utilize it in your workplace?! Easy.
Go into the bathroom at work. Face the mirror and chant “Opposite Land, Opposite Land, Opposite Land” and boom, you’ve just magically activated Opposite Land! (And also indicated that you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown induced by work related stress…)
What does this mean?! It means that whatever the workplace idiots suggest and/or tells you what to do, smile and nod and then go do the EXACT opposite of what they said!
Save tons of time and many pointless arguments by simply not listening to them and do whatever they said you shouldn’t.
Because they’re wrong. All the time.
If you’ve any good tips I’ve left out that could help beat the stress caused by workplace idiots, let me know and be sure to share the helpful advice with someone who’s about to go on a violent rampage through their office.