How To Have A Nervous Breakdown When Signing Off An Email

The bulk of the email is done. Now you just need a single line so you can press send. But how can you do that and be stressed out of your mind too?

In this handy guide, I’ll show you the key steps to signing off an email and making sure you have questioned your entire sense of self after doing so. It’ll be the only resource you need to cripple you with everything from anxiety to imposter syndrome so let’s get going.

1: Time Block

The first thing you’ll need to do is block off a few hours of your day. Maybe even take a day or two. Ensure that anything you considered a high priority gets put on the back burner, because the rest of your mental capacity will be needed to figure out how to sign off this email.

If you have to, put on an auto responder to let people know you’re in the middle of an existential crisis. You’ll respond but they should expect a delay.

2: Write Hundreds of Drafts

You need to start with something so write hundreds of possible sign offs. We can edit them later but you need rough drafts we can refined.

Spend the first hour writing down sample sign offs. They may include everything from “Warm Regards” to just “Regards” and then maybe even some longer ones like “Hope to hear from you soon” or “Please let me know if there are any questions in the meantime.”

Time should be spent here deep in thought about what the actual meaning of “Warm Regards” is? Spend an afternoon meditating on this, either at home crouched down in a cold shower, or walking barefoot through a park.

Once you have 100 or so potential drafts, filter them out based on who you are sending this email to. Is it a work friend, or a client? Front of house or the MD? All of these factors must be seriously considered before finalising the email sign off copy.

This will also help you to move into step 3.

3: You Might Get Fired

This constant feeling of impending doom will ensure you’ll relentlessly go back and forth between potential sign offs. Being crippled by indecision will help you take the stress levels up a notch.

Remember to hold this thought close in your mind at all times. The wrong sentence sent to the wrong member of staff could be the end of the world. What if you offend someone? What if they think you’re stupid, or rude, or cold, or bitchy?

What if? The more of these the better.

4: Decide

Once the ball in your stomach starts to give you gives, chose the final sign off sentence and hit send. There is only one more step to do before we’re finished.

5: Berate Yourself

Spend the rest of your day and most of the following night, berating yourself for using the wrong sign off. Imagine everyone who got the email drinking wine together laughing collectively at your stupidity. See your email sign off being projected at a conference about worst email sign offs in the world ever. Crowds are in tears laughing. You’re such an idiot.

If you have followed these steps properly, then you should have sorted the email sign off and be sweating prfusly. Another positive side effect of using this system is you won’t sleep, which gives you more time to review your email sign off strategy.

Hopefully this has helped.  Thanks for taking the time to read this article if you have any additional insights you feel I have left out, please get in touch. Follow this simple email sign off strategy and your stress levels should reach new heights. 

Warm regards?

Cormac