Firstly, I hope the headline was clickbaity enough. I mean, that’s the only thing that matters on the Internet, isn’t it? Baiting you into a mental fit so that you spend the rest of your time rage-commenting on other’s people posts while you ignore every other aspect of your life. 

Anyway, I recently completed the Clontarf Half Marathon. I did not have the will, dedication or fitness to complete an actual marathon this year. So I completed half of it and still got a medal. Blame the lefty snowflakes for that one.

Anyway, I just wanted to capture some things I’ve noticed over the last few months of training that no one told me about. Spoiler alert, they are not the nicest things to note, but they happened and maybe if you know about them now I can inspire you not to take up long-distance running.

1: Nipple Stigmata

Now, I’m not a religious man, but during one of my longer runs through the Phoenix Park, while I was making my way around the American Embassy, towards the Papal Cross, I glanced down and suddenly discovered that blood was flowing from my nipples. Both of them. Onto my white T-shirt.

I know Jesus was not nailed to the cross through his nipples, but for a few moments, I thought I might have been the second coming of Christ himself. I was experiencing Nipple Stigmata. A profound moment of suffering. A spiritual awakening.

What was I to do now? Dedicate my life to Christ and go around the world healing the blind, the sick and the poor through my broken areolas?

I decided against that.

People look at you very differently when your nipples are crying blood. And this is a thing that happens and no one told me about it. So I am telling you. Choose this path then you better get some vaseline, nipple covers or a sports bra from your wife.

2: Surpirse Movement

I cannot stress this enough: never and I mean never, ever, go for a long run without having emptied your bowels first.

3: Runner’s High is Bullsh!t

They talk about the runner’s high – this mental state where after a certain amount of time running, the brain releases more hormones and endorphins and you start to experience this “high”.

This is a lie. There is no high. You never see 2 lads going into a nightclub toilet together for a quick jog, do you? There is only pain.

Think about it, have you ever looked at someone on their run and thought, “Wow, they are having a great time.”. No, you haven’t, because running is long, boring and painful. Also, based on point 2 in this article, running can become shameful, embarrassing and possibly illegal.

Running hurts, and if you keep running for a prolonged period of time, everywhere hurts. Your legs, your feet, your hips, your back, your hands,  and even your face. It hurts to listen to music. It hurts to not listen to music.

So if you’re thinking about doing a half marathon or any long-distance event, just be prepared to be doing it with bleeding nipples, having soiled yourself in public and hurting absolutely everywhere.

It’s eh, great craic.

Sign Up